Sitting here on a cold, rainy night I fidget. My legs are itchy a la restless leg syndrome; I long for stillness and quiet. I want to be settled. For the life of me I can't figure out why I am unsettled.
I've been on edge for months now, on the brink of something – on the brink of nothing.
Introspection has been my major pastime for decades. I’m determined to figure out what’s wrong with me come hell or high water. (Interesting how I don’t focus on what’s right with me as often.) At this moment, right now, I have pinpointed the problem to balance.
We all know the feeling that there are not enough hours in a day to accomplish everything we want to or must get done. How does one balance the must-dos and the should-dos and the want-to-dos? Always prioritizing in that order seems to push all the joy and leisure out of life, leaving little or no time for the want-to-dos. On the other hand, always prioritizing from the opposite direction would leave one with a sense of not having accomplished anything but frivolity. Neither is good for the soul.
I haven’t quite come up with an effective balancing act. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl, which has proven to be quite ineffective, at least according to my own standards. But I’m determined to find that balance, because without it I’m nothing but lopsided, which I’ve found to be very uncomfortable, not to mention unattractive. This lopsidedness comes to me periodically - at least it causes discomfort periodically. There are long stretches where I could be completely lopsided and not care a lick. It is when I’m acutely aware at my lack of balance that the angst creeps in.
Tell me, dear readers, how you find your groove? How do you balance your time, your tasks, your life? Perhaps you are one of those who have never found the right balance. How has that affected you? Does balance require rigid routine? Am I completely insane for thinking a properly balanced life equals bliss? Where do you find motivation and discipline?
Next week my introspection will most likely lead me to believe something other than balance is at the root of my unsettledness (if I am indeed still feeling unsettled). Who knows what it will be? Sometimes (like right now) after spewing things like this all over the interlinks I wonder if my problem is just that I think too much. Perhaps I should just “stop thinking…let things happen…be the ball.”
(Name the movie from which the above quote comes.)